Me and my boys...
This week, I got asked "THE QUESTION". The big one. The one I hate being asked because it forces me to confront something I hate thinking about. It started with me heading over to our neighbors house with some eggs last week. I have a favorite set of neighbors here, just down the way from my front door. They were the first to come welcome us when we moved in and two weeks later, when Baby Brooke was born, they brought food, and bread, and they are often doing those wonderful kindnesses that the neighbors I grew up with always did.
The wife is a counselor and her husband a veterinarian, who has taught me things like how to help your dog get through delivering her first set of puppies and other wonderful animal medicine nuggets of wisdom. They raised 5 boys and love our big family. We visit each other face to face often and those visits always remind me how the art of hospitality is best when it includes in person visits.
They always inquire about our kids and our animals and it is always a nice visit. They are genuinely loving, kind people. So I wasn't surprised when they asked me...
"So, what is your long term plan for the boys?" and I don't think they were surprised at all by my answer, which was
"Keep them home with us and take care of them until we are too old and feeble to do so".
It's the only question I get about the boys that still makes me teary. Even as I write this, I feel my eyes getting a bit misty.
The answer I gave them is what we will do. Mr. Darcy and I have agreed upon it and both want it this way. But there is more to it than that. Then what? The boys should easily outlive us by 30 plus years. I used to really hurt when I would allow myself to think on it. My Sean gets concerned when "mama" is just at the grocery store, let alone on a trip. How will they understand? I have learned to allow my FAITH to battle my FEAR on this point. I added religion to the boys school subjects a few years ago. It is simplified for them and I try to teach them to their level of understanding that there is a God and he loves them. I have to trust that God will, you know, do the rest and help them to have understanding, in their own way, when I am no longer here to be the one to read the stories, cook their meals, or look after them.
It is, for me the hardest part of being a parent of a child with special needs.
All the other stuff is merely inconveniences to this. In fact, it is on this point that I know that my heart would not survive being a special needs parent were it not for my faith. The thought of being with the boys in Heaven and having real conversations, especially with my Timothy, who this year at age 11 began to say words, makes me misty for a whole different reason.
Now, as a parent of a special needs child, what do we need to have in place for our children regarding our plan for them for when we are no longer here?... that is coming up in part two.
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Katie, you, my friend amaze me. You show no anger or hurt...no bitterness...you are going to school...and the love your writing shows...amazes me. I'm praying for you....
ReplyDeleteI wanted to offer you a little info ... My aunt-in-law has a special needs son! They said he would never live to see past 5 ... well He is about to celebrate his 40th birthday soon! He lost his Dad last year... and for a few months after He would say "Dad, Hospital, Very bad" alot... but now he gets up ... goes to his little work they got for him (he helps at a plant nursery with customers and makes a little wage ... he loves it)... he plays marbles... (LOVES THEM)... and it doesnt really come up anymore! I know there are different degrees.. and your boys are SO smart and handsome! :) I just wanted you to see from the older perspective of them losing someone! I think they adapt better than some of the rest of us do! And my cousin-in-law.. his Daddy and him were VERY close.. because he lost his mommy when he was a baby! and they married my aunt when he was older! HUGS .. im sure that is the TOUGHEST question to be asked! i think your answer is beautiful and real! Hope I didnt overstep any boundaries by sharing my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteFound your blog from Time-Warp Wife and love it. I love your blog and I totally admire your great attitude!
ReplyDeleteGreetings from Germany
Katja
I am just a sister in law of a special needs person and I see the struggle that my parents in law are going through as they are aging and it is getting harder for them to handle his care. As often as I pray for guidance, protection, and mercy for them I will remember you as well. I love your blog!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Katie - I teared up just reading this. I know God will provide an amazing way for your boys to be taken care of when it's time for you to be with Him.
ReplyDeleteI have two children with autism - one high functioning and the other not. I know that the one will be able to take care of herself but the other - well, we are not sure. As you said, it isn't the time when I am here that I am worried about...I think so much about what will be when we cannot oversee his care. Looking forward to the second part of this!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. We think our son will one day be independent, so I don't have the long-terms concerns you have. But I can relate in the now. My son cannot yet express all his likes, wants and needs. He gets very anxious if I am gone too long. His diet is VERY specialized and his routine is very strict. No one knows how to do all that--not even my husband--except me. I often think about what if I got Stage 4 cancer or died in a car accident tomorrow? What would become of him? Though my fears are much less reality-based than yours, I know how the fear and the tears feel. Like you, I also know the only answer is surrender and trust in Jesus. The hope we have in Him is all that brings peace when those fears arise. Thank you again for sharing your faith and and your fears. Praying for great health for each of you and perfect provision at the right time.
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